The Shadow of This Night
by presidentofteamjacob
Summary: New Moon AU. Bella is heartbroken but she has a normal, healthy anger reaction to her abandonment in the woods by Edward. In time she decides no one will ever make her that weak again. Spending time with her best friend Jacob and the wolves lets her live once more - but life is never too normal for Bells Swan.
1. Chapter 1

The steady, soft raindrops fell steadily from the edge of my windowsill with small wet splashing sounds. The woods behind my house had turned an even more lush shade of green in the rain.

_Drip, drip, drip._

I turned away from the window and sat down at the edge of my bed, my hands clutching the bedspread on either side to support myself.

I wasn't really all here, in front of my window, listening to the rain.

A part of me will always be lost in those woods, hearing his words again and again. As long as I live.

_"My world is not for you."_

They told me that Sam found me an astonishing distance away from the nearest hiking trail, a good fifteen minutes away from where any hiker could have seen me.

I wasn't responding to voices, and Sam stumbled over me as I lay on the forest floor.

_"You... don't... want... me?"_

_Unambiguous. Unapologetic. "No."_

I remembered stumbling blindly after him, trail clean forgotten. They say I ended up just twenty meters away from the site of the last bear attack. Paw prints were still discernible in the clearing just ahead of me.

_Drip, drip, drip._

_"I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human. _

_I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."_

I find it difficult now to recall my responses to the things he'd said. His words though - they are etched in my memory forever.

I had known, of course. At some level I had always known he was way too superior to me in every way for it to really last all of eternity. I had hoped, believed even, with a blind leap of faith, that the unreasoning, unstoppable pull of the force that tied me to him, tied him to me in an equally incontrovertible way. That faith let me give him everything, all of me, and I had _believed _in him. In us.

I was wrong.

_"You're not good for me, Bella."_

I felt a heartache and a loss so deep that it had almost a physical manifestation. A pain in my chest, a hollow feeling.

Enough days and weeks had passed that I knew that it wasn't Edward I'd lost - it was the girl I had been. Willing to trust a heartless monster whose plaything she briefly was.

Yes - _that_ girl would have trusted anyone.

Not me. Not anymore.

_"I promise that this will be the last time you see me. I won't come back."_

I pulled my arms around myself, pushing down the surge of anger that threatened to consume my momentary peace again.

I had just one thought -

_"You better not."_


	2. Chapter 2

_**[I am going to do a few quick chapters without dialogue to set the tone of events and characters and skip to the point where things get fun. The whole fic will not be written this way.]**_

Most of my afternoons passed in Jake's garage. He'd crack his jokes, undeterred by my moody silences when they came. He'd let me be then and just work on his cars, whistling tunelessly. Everyday I'd think,_ jeez, what a happy kid._

I simply hung around and basked. There was a lot of his warmth to go around - enough for me to steal a little for myself.

I didn't even have to do much to earn it. Just be.

-o-o-o-o-

At that point, he was just what I needed in a friend. Better than Angela who kept waiting for me to "open up" and "talk about it" or Jessica who was really just always digging for a scoop. He might have been younger but I liked that he got it that I just didn't want to talk. About any of that stuff. _Ever._

He must have heard on the res the condition I was found in. And even though he did his best to keep it cool, once every while I'd catch him looking at me like _that_. That look of focus he had when he examined a difficult mechanical problem - a look that had nothing to do with the fact that I was a girl or that he was a boy or that being caught staring at me should make him blush - or look away at least.

Nope. He just looked at me like he was working something out.

It was that look that that first told me about Jake's infinite patience, reserved for broken things.

It only made me more angry at Edward. For turning me into something to fix.

-o-o-o-o-

I wasn't a total idiot - I knew what else was on his mind. He didn't tell me outright - though he did tell me in a million little ways, every day.

Because sometimes I saw the _other_ looks as well, the ones that _did_ have everything to do with the fact that I was a girl and he was a boy. I learnt to recognize those by the way his dark eyes would seem ablaze when I'd look up and catch him looking my way. The way he'd sometimes walk over to me to sit down next to me and casually take my hand in his, never pausing in his story.

The way I'd sometimes look up to see him smiling at me from across the garage with a slow certainty, like he knew an inside joke about which I was in the dark.

Sometimes I'd smile back, but then I'd make sure to look away, sit back down, walk away, and eventually go back home.

-o-o-o-o-

A detached part of me could even see how good he'd be for me, how good we'd be together, maybe. Sure would make Billy happy and put Charlie out of his misery. He'd take care of me because he was Jake, and I could stay warm by his side.

In another life maybe.

I knew as far as this one went, I was done being taken care of.

And i was going to make damn sure I never ended up needing someone -_ anyone_ - that much again.

-o-o-o-o-

With time I began to see all that I had done wrong. Centering my entire life around one person who wasn't even a person. Heck, in my short time I had learnt you couldn't even count on your parents to be there every time. So why expect it from a vampire boy-friend?

Other things began to make more sense. I thought of Alice, peering into my future, dressing me up like a doll. Rosalie, never talking to me with the bare minimum respect a person deserved. All of them, grown children of like-aged parents, who also dated amongst each other - what was all that artifice for? Pretend to be normal just so they could walk away when someone got close?

_Without saying goodbye?_

Later, when I began to calm down, I thought a lot about what Edward had said. About how I wasn't and could never be part of his world.

Sure - he'd been an unmitigated jerk that day, leaving me in mortal danger just because he got bored with me - but he had a point.

He'd be perfect looking and young forever and never have to fear anything. Yes.

But Edward was a vampire. He could only ever pretend to be human.

Only pretend to eat, pretend to breathe, pretend to sleep, and pretend that he didn't really really want to drink my blood.

And when I thought about the cost of all that perfection - thirsting for blood beyond anything else, it did make sense. He'd said it. I wasn't part of his world. That much was true.

I was _alive._

At least that was something.

-o-o-o-o-

When Jacob disappeared on me for three weeks I thought I'd finally go crazy. Was there no one in the world you could count on, even your best friend? As I sank deeper and deeper during that time, moments flashed back to me - Jake's sunny grin, his warm hand, his fix-it smile.

This time I wasn't just a little hurt and upset. I was _furious_. He had no business treating me this way. He'd even told me he'd never hurt me. If he didn't want to hang out with me anymore, why not tell me straight up? If he'd found a girlfriend - or a gang as Quil had said - why not just be square about it?

I was damned if he'd also get away with dropping me like I was worth nothing.

I wanted answers.

-o-o-o-o-

Later, when I got my answers - _all of them_- I finally wrote up my goodbye note to innocence, signed, sealed it and sent it on its way. Just like Jake had had to.

The world was not what it looked like. And none of us were safe.

_But now that I knew, at least Jake didn't have to be alone in this madness._

-o-o-o-o-


	3. Chapter 3

Sam was tired.

He'd built such a good facade of being in charge that most of them didn't even realize he was making it up as he went.

It was _so easy_ to look wiser than puppies who'd just phased. And Paul and Jared, his oldest wolves, respected him too much to call him out on his errors.

He worked damn hard to make sure there weren't many of them.

So convincing was he that most of them didn't even seem to remember was that he was only 19.

And that he wanted to go home to Emily.

And sleep.

-o-o-o-o-

_All of them, except Jacob of course._

Bloodlines made Sam sick.

-o-o-o-o-

Sam had phased first, a direct result of the fact that his father had kept it in his pants for the shortest time in his cohort. He'd been as old as Billy and Harry.

Sam was born when his mother was just 19. Sam's age.

He shuddered to think of it happening to him now. He had enough children to take care of.

A veritable population explosion to call his own.

-o-o-o-o-

Sam supposed there was one good thing is his life. Emily.

Imprinting would be the stuff of poems, but there weren't enough furry poets around.

Poetic or not, imprinting took you, shook you up, turned your world upside down, and then set you adrift in it. After that there was only one way to swim.

He remembered how his need for Emily had driven him_ crazy_.

He had waited outside her house till the day she finally took him in. Much, much later she told him. How she's always secretly wanted him even when he had been with Leah (_poor Leah, she'd say_), how she'd fought it but maybe, just maybe, she'd felt the pull even _before _he'd phased.

One of these days Sam was going to figure out why it made him want to blame her for the imprint. Maybe if she hadn't wanted him, if she'd kept her thoughts to that of a proper sister in law, _maybe Leah would still know how to smile_.

Because god only knew Sam had not thought of her - of anyone except Leah - that way._ Before._

One of these days Sam would get over that.

And one of these days his dreams of Leah were going to stop.

_(Please, god.)_

-o-o-o-o-

He found Bella not by stumbling upon her body - as he had had to say then - but by sniffing her out of course. She'd been a sniveling mess, running nose and tears mingling with the damp of the earth, irrigating the fecund forest needlessly. Her pupils had been dilated all the way out and she wouldn't respond when he spoke to her, when he waved his hand right in front of her face, called out to her practically in her ear.

All of this for a bloody leach, whom he could still smell on her.

Sam had never been this disgusted with another human being all his life (except himself when he was rendered insane by the imprint, but then again he was always the sole exception, to everything. Period.)

He'd had to carry her out of the forest.

-o-o-o-o-

He'd forbidden Jacob from going to her. One of these days Silver Spoon was going to have to get it. You don't get things your way just because you're special. No one will let you endanger a young girl's life (even a leach lover) just because you're special. You want to be in charge, be Alpha. You're very welcome to it.

You're more than welcome to it.

_(Please, god, let it be soon.)_

-o-o-o-o-

When Sam met Bella three months after he had saved her in the woods, he wasn't sure what it was, but something was different about her.

For one she smelled clean, leach free and human. _Small mercies._

She had use of her legs and her faculties again. _Another welcome change._

But there was something else too, and he couldn't quite put his finger on it. It was just the way she carried herself.

She reminded him of someone. It niggled at him.

Until, that is, he heard what she'd come to say. She wanted him, Sam, to leave her friend Jacob, alone.

_Then she pushed Paul._

_No one_ in their right mind _ever_pushed Paul.

It was one of those things when the little bit of extra life experience he had over some of the others let him see what was what.

_That anger sometimes is just desperation._

That Bella was desperate and angry at the world.

Then he realised who she reminded him of -

Leah.

-o-o-o-o-

He met her again two weeks after that. A pack meeting she gate-crashed by sweet-talking Silver Spoon a couple days after her brush with the leach in the woods. (When the pack had saved her ass. Again.)

He wanted to tell her if she just stayed out of the woods like all of the safety warnings _her own damn father _had put up around town said to do, they'd have a much easier job of it. Why she had to go back into the woods, he couldn't for the life of him understand.

(He didn't know, couldn't see, the part of her that had never left the woods, and never would. And that no one was safe anyway. But she knew.)

She thanked him, all of them, for saving her.

_And then she said she wanted to_ _help._

It was times like this when Sam wished he were never born.


	4. Chapter 4

Jacob was 16, which he guessed was probably young, but there were two things he knew for sure.

Thing 1 was that life was unpredictable - but it got easier if you rolled with the punches. (So he did.)

Thing 2 was that he was born to always, always love Bella Swan. (So he did.)

He'd learnt thing 1 the hard way. He didn't ruminate on it now, he hardly ever did (but there were those rare times he couldn't _not think_, like when he'd sat in his bedroom with his door shut the day his aunt was visiting, clutching his head in his hands and crying as quietly as possible - because with the muffled voices wafting through the door - he could _almost_ believe it was her. That's how alike they sounded.)

He'd never forget her voice.

Thing 2 he knew since before he knew what love even was. He knew it when he was a toddler, wanting to play with her alone (he recalled now, the pealing laughter, a slightly older girl pinching his cheeks and pulling him along to play, his little heart filling with happiness.)

And he knew it in a deeper, clearer way when he saw Bella that summer he was 10, she was 12, the last summer she visited Charlie before she stopped coming altogether.

But by then he knew anyway. After that it was just the wait.

So it was that he was aware of who exactly she was when he saw her walk into his garage 6 years later, out of the blue, eyes flashing with too many emotions to tell them apart.

She hadn't yet said hello. Jacob was madly in love.

She wanted to ride a bike of all things. The first time she took a hard fall he ran to her in a desperate panic, only to find her she laughing like it was the funniest thing. She gasped between choked laughter, "He'd never have let me do that."

Jacob weaned her off the bikes pretty quickly after that.

And still she kept coming. Somedays she'd talk, but usually she'd lose herself in her thoughts. He could guess which day it was going to be as soon she stepped through the door.

As long as she came everything was all right.

-o-o-o-o-

He hated everything about being a werewolf. It was a full time job - no hope for change - and not exactly rewarding.

And this was before you even got him started on imprinting.

Or on how Sam ran the pack.

_"Why can't we push the Council to let us tell our families Sam? Embry's mom is losing it." _

_"If you want to change things you're welcome to be Alpha." _

_"Aww fuck Sam!"_

Jacob was annoyed as hell about the whole thing.

The only time in his life he _really_ liked the fact that he was a werewolf - the rush of power that came from being able to protect - was when he sank his teeth into the dirty long haired leech that had cornered Bella in the woods.

_Moments like that made it all worth it._

-o-o-o-o-

He'd known Bella had had a lot going on. He hadn't pushed her to talk, and tried instead to take her mind off things, whenever he could.

But then he phased.

He almost went wild when Sam's edict hit him _("You can't tell Bella anything. You can't talk to her or go near her until I am convinced you are perfectly in control. Yes Jacob - I am aware it could be months.")_

But then he found out, that when he _really_ wanted something, Sam's orders couldn't really stop him.

When he told Bella all she said was, "Am I the only one without any supernatural powers?"

Huh. Like being a werewolf was a good thing.

-o-o-o-o-

He'd lectured her intensely the day they'd killed the long haired leach near the meadow. That she wasn't to take these crazy chances. She'd just laughed and said, "You're so adorable Jake."

His lecture came to an abrupt end after that while he blushed. Bella laughed a bit more and went home.

Realising the danger of his inability to explain the danger to her he went to her again that night to talk some sense into her.

This time she wheedled him into taking her to their pack meeting.

Putty, meet Bella's hand. Sheesh.

-o-o-o-o-

Yes, Jacob had known she had a lot going on but even he didn't expect it when she told Sam she wanted to work with the werewolves.

_What was he going to do with this girl?_


End file.
